Breaking this pattern can be the first step toward breaking the cycle of harmful behavior. These are all examples of enabler behavior. Offering a parent living with diabetes a piece of cake they’re not supposed to eat. Fortunately, treatment programs are available when they’re ready to change. Additionally, other treatment options help address a loved one’s addiction. There are rehab and detox programs for them when they’re ready to change.
Lifestyle
You can’t help someone if they’re afraid or ashamed to be honest with you. We’re all human, and when someone we care about keeps sabotaging themselves, it’s easy to get frustrated. You’re also being a good role model for consistent behavior. Not sticking to your word about boundaries and limits In these moments, it can be hard not to feel compelled to do something. Our loved ones often come to us in a moment of crisis.
With enabling, the person might not always rely on the other person, but they might be emotionally attached, which causes them to do things they think will keep them happy, even if their actions are harming them. It can also end up in worsened outcomes in relationships and the overall situation, as destructive behaviors continue they come with higher risk. One of the biggest risks of being an enabler is that it can end up becoming extremely draining and distressing for both the enabler and the person being enabled.
- This often happens out of a desire to help or protect close relationships, but it actually ends up preventing the person from facing the consequences of their actions or taking responsibility.
- “The person needs to know that they can no longer manipulate the situation as they’ve done in the past.”
- There are no particular personality traits that make someone an enabler.
- Establishing boundaries can help prevent you from enabling your loved one’s problematic behaviors.
Signs of Enabling Behavior
Overcompensating involves neglecting one’s own needs and taking on the responsibilities and tasks of another person. For example, a spouse might lie to their partner’s boss, saying they’re sick, when the real reason they missed work was due to excessive drinking. For example, a parent of an adult child with substance use issues might prepare all their meals, clean their home, and handle their bills, thinking, “If I take care of everything, they won’t spiral further.”
“For a lot of people, learning to be assertive is a new and potentially uncomfortable skill set. “Ending an enabling relationship requires assertiveness — the ability to say no,” Dr. Borland says. That’s easier said than done a lot of times. “The person needs to know that they can no longer manipulate the situation as they’ve done in the past.” “You have to establish and maintain firm boundaries,” Dr. Borland advises.
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Motivations for enabling behavior can be complex and multifaceted, often involving a combination of factors. Below, we explore the motivations and psychological factors behind enabling behavior. According to the American Psychological Association, an enabler is someone who permits, encourages, or contributes to someone else’s maladaptive behaviors. It’s important to take steps to recognize this behavior and correct it by setting boundaries with the person, avoiding making excuses for them, letting them take responsibility for their actions, and encouraging them to get help.
- “If you’re giving and giving and giving to someone else, eventually, you’re going to start running on empty.
- It can also end up in worsened outcomes in relationships and the overall situation, as destructive behaviors continue they come with higher risk.
- With codependency, a person is addicted to a relationship in a way where they rely excessively on another person.
- When someone you care about engages in unhealthy behavior, it can be natural to make excuses for them or cover up their actions as a way to protect them.
Establishing boundaries can help prevent you from enabling your loved one’s problematic behaviors. This is particularly the case if the funds you’re providing are supporting potentially harmful behaviors like substance use or gambling. Rather than confronting a loved one or setting boundaries, someone who engages in enabling behavior may persistently steer clear of conflict. The term “enabler” refers to someone who persistently behaves in enabling ways, justifying or indirectly supporting someone else’s potentially harmful behavior. But what exactly is an enabler, and how can you know whether you’ve engaged in enabling behaviors? When helping becomes a way of avoiding a seemingly inevitable discomfort, it’s a sign that you’ve crossed over into enabling behavior.
Psychological Aspects of Enabling
Neither shaming nor excusing helps a person change their behavior, and going back and forth between the two is even worse. If you put your foot down on not loaning money to your brother until three agreed upon monthly payments on previous loans, don’t waffle after two enabling behavior definition months. It’s not letting those boundaries slip when the going gets tough for your loved one that’s the hard part. Giving them non-specific help (like money) that doesn’t support a well-defined goal I don’t just mean literally cleaning up their messes (though I’m sure plenty of people do this as a means to “help”). But I can’t help but be curious about how things would have gone if they’d both known the difference between enabling and helping when they first met.
For example, this might look like constantly paying off the other person’s debts or irresponsible spending habits. It can be very difficult to see a loved one face challenges with substance abuse. Desperate enabling causes stress and difficult challenges for everyone involved. For example, a parent who has been covering for their adult child’s substance use may suddenly face the reality when the child gets arrested or loses their job. This often stems from a desire to keep the peace, diffuse tension, or avoid conflict, even though it continues unhealthy situations. Other experts label the stages as innocent enabling and desperate enabling.
You Deny Their Behaviors
But enabling happens in many other contexts as well. That can be things like giving money to an adult child who hasn’t spent theirs wisely. Advertising on our site helps support our mission. When someone you love is struggling, it’s natural to want to help. Use profiles to select personalised content. Create profiles to personalise content.
Understanding Enabler Behavior: Motivations, Signs, and Strategies for Change
They say, “If I don’t try to help, what will become of them? Their sympathy overflows, and they want so much to help their loved one. My cousin sacrificed her own future for him–she paid off his debts, nursed his health issues, and tried every which way to help him overcome his addictions. He took her hard-earned money and gambled it away.
When you empower someone, you’re giving them the tools they need to overcome or move beyond the challenges they face. There’s often a fine line between enabling and empowering. They can also help you learn ways to empower, rather than enable, your loved one. For this, it might be helpful to reach out to a mental health professional.
However, it is often because they think that things will get worse if they aren’t there for their loved ones in the way they think they need them. This might make you feel like you want to do something to mend the relationship. For example, giving them information about mental health professionals in the area that might help.
When they overstep their boundaries, make sure to give them proper consequences. There is a fine line between providing support and enabling. However, giving money is enabling if they always use it irresponsibly. There’s nothing wrong with extending financial help to a loved one from time to time. This, of course, is harder if you insinuate that their behaviors are acceptable by blaming others. This makes them feel it’s okay if they get in trouble because you’ll be there to bail them out.
Instead, it’s determined by your emotional connection to a person. There are no particular personality traits that make someone an enabler. Not only does this positively reinforce good behaviors but also strengthens the trust between you. Now that you’ve relinquished control, turn your attention to the person you’re trying to help.
Enabling behaviors include making excuses for someone else, giving them money, covering for them, or even ignoring the problem entirely to avoid conflict. Managing enabling behavior may require that you first recognize the root cause of it. In fact, many people who enable others don’t even realize what they’re doing. You might feel depleted and blame the other person for taking all your energy and time. Sometimes, when all your time and energy is focused on your loved one, you might feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated or reciprocated. Taking on someone else’s responsibilities is another form of enabling behavior.
You Provide Financial Assistance
For example, a partner might agree to buy alcohol for someone struggling with drinking, thinking, “If I don’t do it, they’ll get angry or find a way to get it anyway.” For example, a parent might insist, “They’re just going through a rough patch; it’s not that bad,” even as their child’s substance use becomes more obvious. This stage is often rooted in fear, guilt, or a desire to avoid conflict, and it prevents both the enabler and the other person from addressing the issue. Instead of learning to budget or manage their finances, the person becomes reliant on the rescuer, continuing the problem and creating an unhealthy dynamic. For example, a friend might repeatedly loan money to someone who overspends, thinking, “If I don’t help, they’ll be in serious trouble.” A rescuing enabler intervenes or helps the person whenever a problem comes up, taking on that person’s responsibilities when they should be working through that problem themselves.